SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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