so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
