my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
