Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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