i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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