so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
