I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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