The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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