My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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