I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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