Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
