but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
