I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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