I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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