I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
