remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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