My brain says no but my pants say off.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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