So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
