if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
