Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
