please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
