ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
