Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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