I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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