i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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