Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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