I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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