You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
