If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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