Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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