I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
