I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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