fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
