you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
