Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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