Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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