my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
