I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here