I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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