I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
