I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
