I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
