I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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