she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
