but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
