By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
