I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
