I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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