woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
