The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want to make out with him forever
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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