She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
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We're using joints as your birthday candles
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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