im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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