I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
