so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
