I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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